How to be the most confident woman in the room (without saying much)

The loudest person in the room is rarely the most secure one.

Confidence, real confidence, is a low hum. It's posture, patience and the ability to sit in a silence without filling it.

Start with standards rather than affirmations. Affirmations are lovely, but nothing rebuilds self-worth faster than watching yourself walk away from something that wasn't good enough.

Then dress for the version of you that already has what she wants. Not costume, calibration. It changes how you enter a room before you say a single word.

And when in doubt: fewer words, better ones, and a smile that could mean absolutely anything.

Stop trying to convince people

There is something incredibly confident about not needing to be understood by everyone.

You don't have to explain every decision.

You don't have to defend every opinion.

You don't have to convince somebody that you're interesting, attractive, intelligent, successful or worth getting to know.

People will form opinions about you regardless. Some will be accurate. Some will be spectacularly wrong.

Let them.

The woman frantically correcting everyone's perception of her rarely looks as confident as the woman quietly thinking, Well, that's an interesting conclusion.

Get comfortable with silence

Silence makes a surprising number of people nervous.

So they fill it.

They overshare. Over-explain. Ask another question. Reveal something they hadn't intended to reveal simply because three seconds passed without anybody speaking.

Try not doing that.

Make your point and stop.

Ask a question and listen to the answer.

If somebody says something slightly provocative, you don't necessarily need an immediate response. A raised eyebrow can occasionally achieve far more.

And in dating, this is useful.

You don't have to rescue every awkward moment a man creates.

Sometimes it's quite entertaining to leave it sitting there.

Slow everything down

Nerves make us rush.

We walk quickly. Talk quickly. Answer immediately. Fidget. Reach for our phones. Laugh before we've even decided whether something was funny.

Confidence has a slower rhythm.

Walk into the room without looking as though you're late for your own entrance.

Look around.

Make eye contact.

Smile.

Take your coat off.

Get comfortable.

You belong there. Behave accordingly.

Stop checking whether everyone likes you

This one changes everything.

Walk into a room wondering Do they like me? and you've immediately handed everyone else the power.

Try replacing it with curiosity.

Who do I like?

Who seems interesting?

Who makes me laugh?

Who do I want to know better?

Suddenly you're no longer auditioning.

You're participating.

The same applies to dating. We can become so distracted by whether somebody fancies us that we forget to ask the considerably more important question: do I actually fancy them?

Very PLT. Very useful.

Look like you made an effort for yourself

I'm never going to pretend appearance doesn't affect how I feel.

Good hair helps.

So does perfume.

And an outfit that makes you look in the mirror and think, Oh, she's looking rather fabulous tonight.

But the point isn't to dress for attention.

It's to remove the little distractions that make you feel self-conscious.

Wear the dress you don't keep adjusting. The shoes you can walk in. The lipstick you aren't checking every six minutes.

The best outfit in the room is the one you forget you're wearing.

Because then you can concentrate on enjoying yourself.

Know that you can leave

This might be the biggest confidence trick of all.

You don't have to stay anywhere.

Not at the party.

Not on the terrible date.

Not in the conversation with someone who's making you uncomfortable.

Not in the friendship you've outgrown.

Not in the relationship where you're constantly being asked to accept less than you need.

There's enormous confidence in knowing that your presence is voluntary.

You're here because you want to be.

And if that changes?

You know where the door is.

The woman everyone notices

She's probably not the one desperately trying to be noticed.

She's enjoying herself.

She's listening.

She's interested without trying to impress.

She doesn't reveal everything immediately.

She isn't scanning the room for reassurance.

She knows what she brings with her, and she doesn't need to announce it.

Maybe that's what confidence really is.

Not walking into a room believing you're better than everyone else.

Just walking in knowing you don't need to be.

Pretty Little Tease rule: You don't need to command the room. Be comfortable enough in yourself that the room can come to you. ♡

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