The three-date rule nobody follows

Somebody, somewhere, decided that romance runs on a schedule.

Three dates. Five texts. Never message first on a Sunday.

I have followed exactly none of these and I am doing fine, thank you.

The problem with rules is that they outsource your judgement. You stop asking do I really like him? and start asking am I doing this correctly?

Those are very different questions, and only one of them protects you.

So here is my replacement, and it is embarrassingly simple:

Pace things at the speed of your own comfort, not his enthusiasm.

If someone is worth your time next month, he is worth waiting a week for.

The right person will find your timing charming. The wrong one will call it a game.

Both reactions are useful information, and neither costs you a thing.

So, what even is the three-date rule?

Depending on who you ask, apparently date three is the point at which Something Is Supposed To Happen.

Usually sex.

Sometimes exclusivity.

Sometimes it's simply the magical deadline by which you're expected to have decided whether this person has long-term potential.

Which is rather a lot to ask of three evenings and a couple of glasses of Sauvignon.

I've had dates where I've known within the first half an hour that there absolutely wouldn't be another.

I've also met people who took considerably longer to work out.

Attraction isn't always instant. Trust certainly isn't. And feeling comfortable enough to become intimate with someone definitely doesn't arrive according to a calendar notification.

So why are we trying to give it a deadline?

There isn't a prize for getting there first

I think this is where dating rules can become particularly unhelpful.

We become so preoccupied with timing.

Is it too soon?

Have I waited too long?

Should I have kissed him?

Should I sleep with him?

If I don't, will he lose interest?

If I do, will he lose interest?

And suddenly something that's supposed to be fun starts resembling a particularly confusing game show where nobody has explained the rules but you're fairly certain you're about to be eliminated.

The thing is...there isn't a correct date.

If you want to kiss him on date one, kiss him.

If you're still not sure whether you want him anywhere near your bedroom on date seven, don't invite him there.

You don't earn extra relationship points for moving quickly, and you're not automatically more respectable because you waited.

The only person who really needs to be comfortable with your decision is you.

His enthusiasm doesn't have to become your urgency

This one is important.

Someone can be very excited about you.

They can want to see you tomorrow.

And the next day.

They can message constantly. Suggest weekends away. Talk about everything you should do together. Want to move things along at approximately 97 miles per hour.

Lovely.

You still don't have to match their speed.

Enthusiasm can be flattering, particularly when you really fancy someone too. But their excitement doesn't create an obligation for you to accelerate your own feelings.

You are allowed to enjoy being wanted while still taking your time.

And, slowing things down gives you the opportunity to discover something rather useful:

Is he interested in getting to know you, or is he mainly interested in getting what he wants?

You often learn quite a lot from what happens when you say, “Not yet.”

Pay attention to how someone handles your boundaries

Anyone can be charming when everything is going their way.

I'm far more interested in what happens when it isn't.

You don't want another drink.

You can't see him on Friday.

You're not ready to stay over.

You don't want to define the relationship yet.

You do want to define the relationship and he doesn't.

Whatever the boundary happens to be, you get information from the response.

A respectful person doesn't have to love every decision you make. But they should be capable of accepting that you have your own preferences, priorities and pace.

Sulking, pressure, guilt trips, disappearing acts or suddenly becoming cold because you didn't do what they wanted?

Also information.

Not necessarily the information you were hoping for, admittedly.

But useful nonetheless.

Stop asking whether he likes you for five minutes

I know. Revolutionary.

But so much early dating advice seems to revolve around keeping somebody interested.

Don't text too much.

Don't appear too keen.

Don't sleep with him too soon.

Make him chase you.

Leave three hours before replying.

Pretend you have plans.

Quite frankly, I don't have the administrative capacity for this.

And more importantly, all that strategising keeps the focus firmly on him.

Does he like me?

Does he want another date?

Am I attractive enough?

Have I said the wrong thing?

Has he lost interest?

Meanwhile, there's a considerably more useful question sitting quietly in the corner:

Do I really like him?

Not the idea of him.

Not his potential.

Not the fact that he's gorgeous and you haven't had chemistry like this in ages.

Him.

Do you enjoy talking to him?

Does he make an effort?

Do you feel comfortable around him?

Is he curious about your life?

Do his words and behaviour match?

Do you feel more relaxed as you get to know him – or increasingly confused?

Dating isn't just an audition where you're hoping somebody chooses you.

You're choosing too.

That idea already sits at the heart of PLT's dating approach: the Red Flag Checklist explicitly reframes dating away from simply asking whether he likes you and towards asking whether you like him, while encouraging people to look for patterns rather than isolated imperfections. Download it FREE here.

Your pace might change with different people

And that's perfectly fine.

Maybe you've previously slept with somebody on a first date and had a wonderful relationship afterwards.

Maybe you waited months for somebody else and it was a complete disaster.

Maybe you're naturally cautious.

Maybe you're usually spontaneous.

Maybe this particular person makes you feel comfortable.

Maybe something about the situation is telling you to slow down.

You don't need one permanent dating policy.

You're allowed to respond to the person and situation in front of you.

That's not inconsistency.

That's judgement.

And no, taking your time isn't “playing games”

There's an important difference between deliberately withholding affection to manipulate somebody and simply not doing something before you're ready.

“I really like you, but I want to take things slowly” isn't a game.

“I'd rather get to know you a little better first” isn't a game.

“I don't want to do that yet” isn't a game.

And you don't need an elaborate explanation for any of them.

Someone who interprets every boundary as rejection is probably telling you something useful about how compatible the two of you are.

Let them.

Forget date three. Try these questions instead.

Before you worry about what you're supposed to be doing by now, ask yourself:

Am I enjoying getting to know this person?

Do I feel at ease around him?

Am I making this decision because I want to – or because I'm worried he'll lose interest?

Do I feel able to say no without worrying about his reaction?

Is the effort roughly mutual?

Does he respect my time?

Are his actions matching what he's telling me?

Am I being myself, or performing the version of myself I think he'll prefer?

Do I want this next step?

And perhaps most importantly: if there were no dating rules whatsoever, what would I choose?

There's your timeline.

The real rule?

There isn't one.

Three dates might be perfect for you.

Three hours might be perfect for somebody else.

Three months might feel right in another situation.

The number isn't what matters.

How you feel does.

I've reached a point where I'd much rather risk somebody thinking I'm moving too slowly than rush myself into something because I'm worried they'll disappear.

Because if somebody disappears purely because I wasn't prepared to move at their preferred speed?

Well.

They've rather efficiently answered a question I would otherwise have spent another six dates trying to figure out.

Pretty Little Tease rule: Don't date by numbers. Date by how you feel. ♡

And if somebody genuinely likes you, giving yourself enough time to decide whether you genuinely like them too shouldn't ruin anything worth having.

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Enjoyed this one? There's plenty more where that came from... ♡

Dating stories, confidence, relationships, friendships, life lessons and all the things I'd probably tell you over a second glass of wine.

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